And my heart stopped
So I’m raw and emotional right now, I had a really hard night. I’m going to write about it, I’m hoping it will help me process a little and I’m hoping that some of you out there in adoption real life can read this and somehow make me feel a little bit better. It might not work, but here it is.
I met up with M&P tonight, just the three of us. I knew something major was coming, everything passed through my head – that one of them was sick, that they were getting a divorce, that they were adopting again, that they were upset with something I did and wanted to talk it out. But what never crossed my mind is that they were moving away.
But they are.
P got a new job far away. Like really far away. They will be moving in January.
There are many people in their lives that are mad at them, angry they are leaving. It’s not a short stint either, it sounds like at minimum it will be 5 years. I’m sort of in shock about the whole thing, I’m not angry like the others, but I’m very sad. I’m sad that I have to say goodbye, that I’ll miss even more milestones and moments than I would miss anyways, when he comes back he’ll have spent more time living away from me than living in the same city as me.
But as we talked, I realized how grateful I actually should be. You see as they figured all this out, as they were negotiating how this move would work, I was included as a part of that. The new company will pay for me to fly to them once a year for as long as they are there (the location is far enough away I could never afford to go there on my own, I couldn’t afford the flight). M&P made it clear that although they can only provide me one flight a year, that I can stay with them there as long as I want to, that means I could take a month a year to visit them. I made a joke about how it’s too bad I just started a job where I have no vacation and P made sure to tell me that if I was taking unpaid leave off of work to visit them that they would subsidize me for it, especially if that would be a factor in my not coming. Basically not only is my name in their contract saying that part of his package is flights for me but that they want to make sure nothing stops me from coming and staying for as long as I want to, as long as I can each and every year. I know I’m the only relative built into their contract, the only person that they were so worried about they made sure I would be taken care of. We talked about how they will also come home for long stretches twice a year, and although lots of family will be crammed into those stretches, there didn’t seem to be any worries that they wouldn’t find ways for me to spend lots of time with them during those months. So the reality is I could figure it out that I wouldn’t go more than four months at a time without seeing J in person. And hopefully those stretches I’ll be able to really spend time with him. I mean a month staying in his house, if I did that I would probably spend more time with him for that period that I will have for the last three years combined. I mean I am not saying I can take off a month of work every year, I’m not a total crazy pants, but I know I’ll find a way to swing at least two weeks or more each year and I do know I will soak up every second with him while I’m there.
And they want to make sure I can do Skype (P was very concerned about me having the ability to skype and at one point I’m pretty sure he asked me if I had internet to skype with) and that they would make sure J and I had lots of opportunities regularly to keep in contact. I even suddenly had this romantic idea of sending him real letters regularly.
I am so grateful for this attitude, their need to make sure I understand that I was a part of the thought process, that this relationship was a priority to them and that they firmly believe we can maintain a strong relationship or they wouldn’t be going, all of this makes it almost seem okay.
And I’m grateful that J is in the place he is in, the growth our relationship has had in the last year is amazing. We are in a place where I feel confidant of my place in his life, not because his parents set up visits but because of us, because of our connection, because he knows me, loves me and cares about our relationship as much as I do. So although it will be hard for him to leave, I do believe our relationship is strong enough that it can bend into a new shape and won’t break. And if this happened two years ago I wouldn’t feel that way.
And then I think about it again and start crying and feel no gratitude at all, just sadness.
So many emotions, and it’s so very hard. My life feels like someone else came by and flipped everything upside down.
So yeah, that was my day, how was yours?