A Countdown to Change
So it’s official. I’m changing jobs in just over two weeks (not sure if this has been mentioned here or not). It doesn’t feel real. I’ve been at my current job for 9 years. It’s a long time.
A big change like this is something that’s sort of tough for me. I am pretty sure change isn’t easy on anyone. But as the day has approached and things have started to creep up on me I’m not going to lie, I’m sorting freaking the freak out.
The truth is I need to leave the job I’m leaving – it’s not what I want to be doing, and I don’t make enough money doing it where it justifies spending 25 hours a week doing work I’m not super excited about or proud of. But there are so many mixed emotions about leaving.
First, there are a lot of people at this job that I like, some who I like quite a bit. These are my friends. But more than that, many of these people are the friends who were by my side during my pregnancy and after. My boss at this job was the first person I told about my pregnancy, I cried in his office for over an hour while he patiently let me talk about how I was so confused and scared and had no idea about anything anymore. This was the place where three people from my office came to visit me at the hospital – the only people outside of M&P who did (to be fair, one of the people was a good friend of mine who I knew prior to working there, but still). These are the people who remember to say Happy Mother’s Day, who ask about J regularly, several of these people have met J, spent time with him.
Another reason this feels so hard is as the years go on, I have to accept that I’m moving farther away from the ‘before’. Before when I still believed I would meet someone, fall in love, get married and have a family in the simplest of ways, before when I believed my life would work itself out and where I couldn’t have imagined my reality would look anything like the life I’m leading now. Before during the small amount of time where I was J’s Mom legally, where it was J and I against the world.
But moving farther away hasn’t just been in time, its been in the actual changes, moving away from the apartment I lived in when during and after my pregnancy, growing apart from the people who were in my life during that time, and next Friday it will be spending my last day as an employee at the company I worked at when I got pregnant. It is one of the last parts of my life that’s the same as it was 4 years ago. No matter how far away I go it won’t diminish the connection to my son and that time in my life.
But what it does change is it takes away those moments where you get sideswiped by a memory. I know a lot of people don’t like triggers, I’ve had those experiences where I’m bawling in a public place frustrated that my emotions were so out of control, but truthfully I love those reminders of my son. I love when I walk by a certain area, or hear a certain song, or for one reason or another get lost in a memory. Sure many times those memories are twinged in sadness, but feeling that connection to him is something I treasure. When these changes happen I get less of those opportunities in any given day or month.
So I’m saying goodbye to another era of my life and it’s pretty scary.
The hello to the new era isn’t that much easier – my insecurities of whether I will be okay in this new job, whether people will like me, or if my ability to make really horrible first impressions will set a bad tone are overpowering. I am hopeful to find a place where I can make a new professional home and it’s all really scary. And then there’s the whole introducing a new group of people to the story of J. That will probably be another post for another day.
It will be an emotional couple weeks, I think I’ll stock up on ice cream.