I just realized the last time I posted was almost a month ago. I have a few things I actually want to write about (and maybe will get to in the next little bit) but I figure before that I should just put a sort of update out there.
As I sat down today to write this post I started thinking of all the things that had happened in my life since that last post. A lot has happened. And yet a lot hasn’t changed at all.
I’m still here, still dealing with a lot of random stuff with my jobs. There’s a pretty decent chance I’ll be changing one of my jobs in the next month or two. The change should be a positive one, but like everything in life nothing is completely good or completely bad. What I think the biggest change will be with this is for the last 5 years my major focus has been job #2, even though I put in more hours at job #1, it’s the second job where I check emails incessantly, make sure I respond to emails even at night or on weekends, where I worry about it all the time, it’s a big focus in my life. This new job (which would replace job #1) would require much more of my focus which would keep me from being able to expend as much time thinking about job #2 as I have been. I think in a lot of ways this would be a positive thing for me but a huge change. I’m a little nervous about the whole thing. But for now I’m waiting to hear what’s going to happen for sure.
And then there’s everything else. My birthday came and went, I did end up going to M&P’s house for a dinner there with some of their friends and family. J (with the help of his Dad) made me a birthday cake. It was really nice. We are also on schedule to see each other at our agency’s summer picnic this coming weekend (if you happen to be a person who reads my blog and is going to said event please let me know, I would love to see you). There’s also talk (although no actual date) of a get together between M&P and J, myself and another gay couple who adopted and their child and child’s birth mom (did you get that, basically it would be my family and another family that looks like ours). I know the other birth mom and we’ve been talking about setting something up, I hope it happens this summer, I think it would be really good on a lot of fronts.
The other thing on the adoption front which happened is I went to a screening of the movie Breeders in NYC. It’s a movie about surrogacy and was interesting and strange in many ways. I have more to say about this, and about my feelings on this, and hopefully I can come back to it in the near future.
Outside of that specific instance and anything J related there’s been a sort of backseat with adoption in my life. I (obviously) haven’t been blogging about it much, I haven’t been actively seeking out people to talk to about it. I’ve been sort of coasting. In general I haven’t pursued the same level of adoption stuff. I’m not totally sure why, I guess in part I am realizing how little growth I’ve had in other parts of my life in the last four years. In ways I’ve sort of become a hermit, not really expanding my friend circle much and not really making time to expand myself. I have hid behind my jobs, the fact I work a lot, but the reality is in many ways I’ve gotten overwhelmed by adoption and let it envelope my life.
My guess is this isn’t uncommon in open adoptions, when I’m just beginning the first stages of healing and recovering for all I’ve gone through and regularly I’m faced with trying to walk the tightrope of a relationship with my son. It’s a lot. So I spent a lot of time trying to find my voice, to tell my story, to meet people who I could talk to. But here’s the thing, if that’s all I allow in my life, it will be pretty empty.
The truth is my son will always be the priority to me. But that doesn’t mean adoption has to be the only thing in my life. I can have a healthy relationship with my son, and still have a healthy version of myself. I’m pretty sure I’m not there, but maybe I can work towards that. So that’s one of my goals for this next year, get my non-adoption life in order and back to where I want it to be. I don’t know exactly what that will mean, maybe starting to volunteer again (I found an organization I really want to volunteer with), maybe making an effort to reconnect to friends I’ve let slip away, or something as simple as making plans every weekend to see people again.
So that’s where I’m at. Hope you all are having a great summer.