Fundraising for Adoption
This weekend I was asked for the first time in my life to donate to someone who was trying to raise money so they could adopt an infant. If I’m being honest, I wasn’t asked directly, it was posted by an old neighbor and friend onto Facebook on behalf of her sister (also a neighbor but not really a friend as she was a few years older than me). Her post said something along the lines of “Please take the time to go to my sister’s fundraising page for this really good cause” – the “cause” being her sister wanting to but not being able to afford to adopt.
I went to the page, I have never been to a page like this, I guess although I know plenty of adoptive parents either they didn’t fundraise, they didn’t do it in this sort of version, or perhaps I was still of the age where I was deemed someone who didn’t have the money to ask for this sort of thing.
The page was simple enough, it explained they were dealing with infertility the last four years, that they work in an industry where they don’t make enough money to pay the costs for adoption (although they assure us they have enough money to actually raise a child) and they set a date for the end of their fundraiser. Their total ask is for $20,000 (they aren’t that close to the goal and my guess is they won’t make much more than 1/4 of it with this).
I looked at that number and thought “what would $20,000 in donations done for me, would I have parented?” The answer is possibly. It would have paid the hospital bills, the time I had to take off work, it would have been enough money to possibly move home and the time unemployed while I found a new job, or paying for day care for the first few months if I stayed in NYC. But mostly something like that would have showed me how people in my life believed I would be a good Mom and were willing to stand behind me in support. I felt so alone at that time in my life and having support would have given me a little hope, and that was what I was most lacking.
I get that adoption can be expensive, and I’m sure people who are deciding on adoption but don’t have the money feel it’s unfair – that you shouldn’t have to be wealthy to be a parent. But from my perspective money could have made a difference in my decision to parent – in fact for me not being wealthy meant I couldn’t be a parent to my own child. I wonder if I had done the same thing, put it out that I needed help to be able to afford the pregnancy and first months of being a Mother if I would have gotten any support, if I would have gotten the well wishes and the thoughts that I would be a terrific parent and the child I had would be lucky to have me that this other couple did. I honestly think instead I would be judged as looking for a handout, I would be thought of in a bad light for getting knocked up when I couldn’t even afford to have the kid. Maybe I’m imagining the worst, but I think it is far more acceptable in our society to be fundraising to raise someone else’s child than your own. I truthfully it seems like there is something wrong with that logic.
I have never really understood this. I don’t like it when I see fundraisers on blogs or even PayPal buttons on blogs.
My Aunt offered to pay for an international adoption for us, I couldn’t take her money. Part of the reason we chose to foster/adopt was because I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of “buying” a child. I know most would say you are paying for the process not the child, but it seems like a fine line.
I can understand only too well what the difference the 20k could make to a single mom, if I had had that as an option when Mack was a baby it would have made our lives so much easier.
This is thought provoking. Thank you. I suspect you are right.
It is a strange thing. If I posted a link on Facebook saying something to the effect of ”please donate — we can afford to raise a baby but need help with labor and delivery costs, set-up costs etc”, I’d bet I’d raise less than a dollar. Those things are just inherent costs of having a baby, and adoption costs are an inherent part of adoption (oddly enough!). Fundraising for it seems tacky, at best.
Damn right. I’m a reproductive rights advocate who is also an adoptive mother, and so many of the unspoken value judgements I see in the adoptive parent world (positive and negative) are all about money – who has it and who can get it.
This post is a really powerful perspective on that imbalance and those assumptions. Do you mind if I share it?
Feel free to share and thanks for understanding my perspective
Shared on my adoptive parent-heavy Facebook page. We’ll see what the fallout is…
thanks for this great post. i would say more, but kate said it already.
So it is okay to fund raise for adoption, but not okay to help a single mother keep her child? The hypocrisy in this is astounding. Isn’t that the whole argument for adoption in the first place, financial constraints? If prospective adoptive parents can’t “afford” the costs, what makes them any better than the natural mother to keep and raise her own flesh and blood? Just boggles the mind.
“But mostly something like that would have showed me how people in my life believed I would be a good Mom and were willing to stand behind me in support. I felt so alone at that time in my life and having support would have given me a little hope, and that was what I was most lacking.”
This shot through my heart, I am sad that it was your reality. This seems to be the place where “pro [insert your favorite word here: life/adoption/choice/whatever] groups are lacking.
How do we offer hope to the women who need it, how do we offer practical resources to the women who need it, how do we support and empower the women who need it, how do we love and serve and just be with these women? I think that these questions need to be looked at and answered, and not just answered, but lived.
I don’t know if they still do it, but I lived in Germany in 1988 as an exchange student. At that time, EVERY mother (married or single) received “Mother’s Money” which was a small monthly sum ($200?) to help support a mother & child for the first TWO YEARS of the child’s life.
I often wonder how different American culture would be if a similar system were in place? But it feels like it could never happen here, because American society overwhelming disapproves of “hand-outs”, right?
Oof. It feels like there is something very wrong…
I can’t imagine a cultural shift like that when we don’t even provide paid maternity leave in the States. This sort of lack of support for new parents, especially those who are struggling is systemic in a way I have no idea how to fix. I think of places like some European countries who not only provide the basics but provide so much more. Maybe I should have had a fundraiser to help me move to Europe or Canada when I was pregnant.
“I get that adoption can be expensive, and I’m sure people who are deciding on adoption but don’t have the money feel it’s unfair – that you shouldn’t have to be wealthy to be a parent. But from my perspective money could have made a difference in my decision to parent – in fact for me not being wealthy meant I couldn’t be a parent to my own child.”
Funny contradiction, isn’t it?
(And of course by “funny” I mean “not at all funny, but rather glaring in its hypocrisy”.)
I really dislike it when people ask for funds for adoption (and I am an adoptive mother). I seriously would never have even considered that. I truly appreciate your post and point of view.