The things taking up head space
I have been having a lot of randomness messing with my head as of late. As I think of it all, usually more questions than answers come up, especially in relation to adoption. I figured I’d do a list post of sorts that talked through some of the things I’ve been thinking about.
- I watched the movie Butter the other day – there was a pretty large plot point that focused on Foster Care/trans-racial adoption. I haven’t quite decided how I felt about it – I thought there was a lot of good moments and interactions about it but I also thought it showed a pretty ideal conditions and was almost too perfect in it’s portrayal of this foster child, but would love to know if any of you had seen it and your thoughts.
- A friend and I started talking about how when I was graduating college I really wanted to join the peace corps, but because of some issues then I didn’t pursue it farther than starting to fill in an application. She encouraged me to do it today, and for the first time in more than seven years I really considered it. It can’t happen now, I have too much debt to take off for two years basically working for nothing, but I actually thought about it, looked into it, considered it. I thought about J in all of it, he never left my mind, but even knowing it would impact my relationship with him, I still considered it. I don’t know what I think about that.
- I spent last night and today in the midst of this snowstorm wishing I could be playing out in the snow with J. I miss him a lot right now, it hasn’t even been that long since I’ve seen him (about two months) and I think we’re going to have a visit next weekend, but today it doesn’t seem to matter much because I just wish I was spending these snow days playing with him.
- I’ve been feeling significantly isolated this winter and I’ve been hoping I can figure out a way to alleviate that. I try to remember what I was like before – before I got pregnant, before I had J, before I became this different person. It’s a stark reminder for me that even if I don’t live in regret, even if I don’t feel like I was coerced into relinquishing my son, even if I can convince myself this is the right path, the fact I relinquished my son changed me in a very stark way and I’m fairly sure there won’t ever be a road back to the person I was before. But I also think isolating myself isn’t necessarily the answer either. I guess only time willl tell how I figure out dealing with this.
- I haven’t talked to JD in several months, I contemplate calling him regularly, I think part of my feelings of isolation is that a large part of my life prior to J was interwoven with his life, and three years ago that changed. The truth is the last person I felt really close to was JD and that was three years ago – now I feel like I’ll never get back there with anyone and instead will be left in this world of isolation. In the same breath I’m not naive to think that where I was with JD was a healthy place and one I want to return to.