Getting from Here to There
The last couple of weeks have been rough. Physically I have been sick three separate times in as many weeks, twice with colds and in between the two colds I think I had some mild food poisoning. On top of that I had a trip home which included an unscheduled layover in Pittsburgh due to weather.
In fact, in the last three weeks (starting the 18th of December) I have worked only 33 hours between all three of my jobs which is ridiculously low amount of hours spent actually being productive. I know some of it was holidays, vacation days, juggling things, and getting sick, but mostly I’ve felt like I haven’t done much of anything. It’s not a good thing for me, not for winter especially when the short days and the cold weather already seem to bury me in a funk. So I’m trying to get healthy so I can refocus on the positive and get some real and good things done.
But in all my hours of sitting in the dark under covers watching the West Wing (who knew I would become so obsessed so fast) I have also been thinking a lot about what steps I need to take to move forward.
Not just to find more hope in my life which is what I’m working towards for the new year, but also to get out of some of the ruts I’ve been stuck in for the last three years. There are people I need to tell about J that I haven’t yet. I know this. It has caused rifts in relationships where I’m certain the person on the other side has no idea why I have retreated from their life. So many people I didn’t tell, not because I worried about their reactions but because I was worried that somehow word would get back to my immediate family and I didn’t want them to find out that way, its a weak excuse especially because this wasn’t something I should have kept from my family in the first place – but that is another post for another time. What I’ve started to realize is that for me to stick my neck out and actually come out to my parents I will need a lot of support, especially from people who know my family, who really know me. I’m surrounded by people who mean more than I can say but who only really know me since I got pregnant (I happened to start at job #2 at the beginning of my pregnancy so all friends from there only know me after that time, plus my very real friends through adoption only know me as a birth mother and know me because I’m a birth mother). There are only a couple who I truly consider to be both my friend from prior to J and to have stuck by my side through everything with J. Don’t get me wrong, the lack of that sort of through line in my friendships is all on me. I cut ties left and right when I was in crisis, I couldn’t deal with any disappointment or anyone letting me down so I just didn’t reach out. I convinced myself I could stand on my own better than I could lean on anyone else only to find later they weren’t there anymore or our friendship wasn’t capable of supporting the weight of what I was going through. I knew if I leaned on others I would definitely fall hard if they let me down, so even though I wasn’t sure if I could make it through without support (and I barely did) in my own strange way I thought it was the best option.
This Christmas I got a few Christmas cards from friends with new(ish) babies, all with kids younger than J. There are at least two of those and maybe as many as four that I feel I need to write back to and lay out what has happened in my life. I can’t see any of them having a really negative reaction, and honestly if they do, they aren’t a day to day presence in my life and so not talking to them isn’t an issue, but if they have a positive reaction, if they hear what I went through if they choose to support me, then I also think they might be the kind of support I need to move forward with my family, and to figure out some of the harder (and less bloggable) issues I struggle with in regards to all things adoption.
So that might be the next project, a letter. I would start with a letter to my best friend, my best friend who I haven’t spoken to in way too long, who has faded from my life and who when I had J and just over a year later she had her own son I pulled away more than I ever wanted to. I hope she’ll forgive me for not being there for all she’s been going through, with her joys and her new life and family. But I won’t know until I stick my neck out to find out. And all I do know is if I don’t take this step then I can’t take any of the next ones.