Word for 2013
There is a new thing among many people I’ve been around lately, instead of resolutions they have come up with a word to represent the next year. I’ve watched friends on blogs and twitter do this for the past couple of years as well as a couple IRL friends and I’ve thought about it but never seemed to get there, to think of something of my own.
This year though I realized something this morning that has prompted me to move forward with this word thing. You see the end of 2012 really was a bit painful for me. From around late September on I was working too much, getting sick too much, and have been struggling a lot with the changes with my job which has left me with less money and a bit of a haphazard schedule. I’ve been frustrated that at the age of 32 I am this version of myself, still struggling to feel grounded and feeling like I’m drowning far too often.
This rough fall led into the last couple of weeks which have felt pretty non-stop and very stressful. I am trying to wrap things up on this temporary job I took back in October, plus trying to keep up with my other two jobs, plus I’ve been battling a cold that has seemingly come and gone only to come back again – it’s been a month of feeling sickish. This past Sunday I worked late into the night, getting home at 2:00 only to have to be at my other job at 7am. I had a long day trying to balance the two jobs, and finally headed home for a couple of hours of catching up on work before going out for NYE.
If you follow me on Twitter you know I went to see Phish last night. Now I admit that I’m not a huge music person, but I enjoy a good live show and starting in high school was a pretty big phan of Phish. During college I was able to see them a handful of times, owned a couple albums and many bootlegs and hung around quite a few people who were really into them. Then around the time I graduated college and moved away from my friends who liked Phish, the band also took a hiatus from touring. And I stopped having access to a tape player so stopped listening to their bootlegs. And I sort of grew away from them. Well at some point they started touring again and for the past few years they have been having big NYE bashes. A couple years back was the first time it was in NYC and I almost had a ticket to go through my work, but it didn’t pan out. This year, as I returned from my vacation I found out my company was once again working on an aspect of the show and I asked about getting a ticket to go. Within a day I had an All Access pass to the show.
So despite being tired and a little sick, last night I headed to midtown on NYE to ring in the New Year with Phish. I really enjoyed the show, but honestly felt sick, tired, and after standing from about 8pm to 1 am I just wanted to go to bed. I felt old.
And so when I finally crawled into bed and fell asleep around 2:30 last night with no real ability to breathe (my almost cold became a full fledged cold sometime during the show) I fell asleep. I woke up with morning, did a couple things and promptly fell back asleep. When I woke up again it was well past two and I still felt horrible and now was in a panic, I have a big job to do tomorrow morning and not enough people lined up to help with it. I will then have to rush from that job to my other one, all while feeling like crap. I was so frustrated that this is what I faced on my first day in 2013.
And then it hit me, the word that I want for 2013, the word I would like to define how I see this year. Hope.
I lost hope three years ago. I used to believe that things usually worked out, and when they didn’t that it was still okay. I used to believe that things would be good for me, that as long as I lived each day trying to do what made me happy I would be happy.
Having J changed that in too many ways. I suddenly felt like losing him was just one more kick I couldn’t take. That I would never get married, have kids, be doing more than barely scraping by, that I would never get out of debt from grad school, I would never live in a nice place without a roommate, that I would never be a priority to someone else. I stopped having hope for what was to come and instead braced myself for the next bad thing to happen.
I know that no matter what I make my word for 2013, being a birth mom will still be a huge part of my life and because of that I am never going to be the person I was before, but even if I’m a new version of myself now post J, that version can still have some degree of hope.
In the past three years I’ve watched my brother fall in love after experiencing heartbreak, I’ve watched friends experience new members to their family – some planned but some unexpected, I’ve seen my Aunt and Uncle go through hell and come out the other side, I’ve seen people who struggle with infertility finding themselves pregnant, people who struggled with hating their jobs going back to school or finding something they really loved to do, I’ve seen the unexpected happen to people time and again.
With all the bad out there, there is a lot of good as well. There is a place for hope.
So I’m going to work on that for myself. I may not find myself any closer to any of those dreams I have for myself at the end of this year, and honestly that’s okay, because first I have to start actually believing that I’m still allowed to dream, and for me that will be a big step. So that’s where I’m at, one step at a time.